Because of You
by Tracy Space Cowgirl
Summary: The Smile on Kaylee's face is fake. Post SerenityBig Damn Movie Fic. SimonKaylee.


**Title:**Because of You  
**Fandom: **Firefly  
**Characters:**Simon Tam (with a bit of Simon/Kaylee)  
**Prompt:** #35- Sixth Sense  
**Word Count:** 882  
**Rating:** PG  
**Author's Notes:** An alternate universe fic that veers from canon towards the end of "Serenity". Big Damn Movie Spoilers.

* * *

_I'm forced to fake__  
__A smile, a laugh everyday of my life _- "Because of You"- Kelly Clarkson

* * *

She keeps a smile on her face.

It's fake.

She doesn't know what else to do. The crew of Serenity may be big damn heroes; but they're big damn broken heroes. Physically, they're mending all right, Kaylee supposes. Her own wounds have long since turned into scars; and even Mal's beginning to resemble himself again. And though their bodies are healing, the hearts and minds of Serenity are still aching terribly.

There's probably some fancy scientific term for what they're going through, but Kaylee doesn't know it, and she figures that it doesn't matter much. Fancy terminology doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't take away the memories of the bodies on Miranda, doesn't bring back to life those the crew buried on Haven.

Work helps. Kaylee focuses on keeping Serenity gliding smoothly through the sky. Serenity talks to her, and Kaylee listens. When she's in the familiar engine room, with the comforting hum and smells of the engine, she feels a little like the Kaylee that used to be.

Kaylee has to surface from her sanctuary every so often. She'll answer the call of nature, sneak silently through Serenity's hallways to the mess hall. Kaylee eats because she has to; not because she's particularly hungry. She eats at off hours, when Kaylee knows that most of the crew will be sleeping or busy. Occasionally, Jayne will be in the galley, gulping down some sort of ale or another; and Kaylee takes a glass when he offers, even though it's bitter and burns her throat. More times than not, River is sitting at the table before Kaylee gets there, having already fixed something for the mechanic to eat.

Kaylee accepts it with a smile. She is hurting, hurting so deeply that at times, she doesn't think that she'll ever recover. The pain is always with her, a bitter tang of dreams crushed and a heart broken.

A smile is Kaylee's mask.

She wants to scream, to cry. Serenity isn't big enough to hold all of her pain; at times it feels like the entire 'verse wouldn't be big enough. Kaylee lost an awful lot, but she didn't loose the most. She didn't live on Haven, though it had been one of her favorite places to visit. She wasn't a widow. She wasn't a bereaved sibling.

She wasn't anything.

For so long, Simon and Kaylee had flirted, dancing around their feelings for one another. If they took one step forward, they'd take two back. The whole process was entirely too troublesome. Just before the Reavers had stormed in; Simon Tam had finally told her how he felt- that he regretted not having been with her.

To Kaylee, that had been enough incentive to live through the battle. When this was all over, they would finally be together. A couple. Kaylee and Simon. She would survive, she was bound and determined to do so.

It had never occurred to her that Simon might not survive.

They buried him on Haven, along with Wash, Shepherd Book, and Mr. Universe.

She lost Simon, and she lost everything. But by words, stupid words, what had she lost? Nothing. So Kaylee holds her anguish close to her heart. Zoe and River had enough of their own sorrow without taking on her burden as well.

"You must eat." River says, pushing a bowl of freshly cooked pasta towards Kaylee. "You haven't been eating enough lately."

"I eat just fine." Kaylee forces a smile.

"Not meeting your daily requirement of food groups, not drinking enough water. Don't waste away, that'll make him sad."

Kaylee shrugs. "I'm just as well off as anyone else on this boat. Just you wait and see."

River gently places her hand on the older girl's shoulder "He hears you crying. At night, when everybody's asleep, quiet as mice. In the engine room, where you let the engine drown out your tears. He hears them all."

"Whatcha talking about? Who hears what?"

River looks Kaylee head on, staring straight into her eyes. "Simon."

"River…honey…Simon….is…" The words felt heavy and foreign in her throat. "Dead…"

River nods and shoots Kaylee a look. "I know he's dead. But that doesn't mean he's gone."

"What?"

"He's still here. Not living, but he still walks the halls, still arranges the Infirmary spic and span. I hear him, I see him. My brother the ghost."

"Where….where is he?" Kaylee doesn't know what to say. Simon, a ghost? Kaylee didn't even know if she believes in ghosts. Her Papa had always said such was just a bunch of silly stories. She's never seen a ghost, never felt a ghost…but if it meant that Simon was here…

"Right behind you. Watching you, always watching you. He loves you, Kaylee. He's been by your side since he passed. At night, he watches you sleep." River's tone grew serious. "Trust me, mei-mei." River grabbed the older girl's hand in her own. "Death cannot stop true love. It can only delay it for a little while."

Kaylee grows pale. Confused, she runs to her bunk.

Simon follows her. He was always following her.

River picks up a deck of cards from the table. She shuffles them quickly, with great speed and skill. She deals the cards, seven each. "Seven for the Shepard….seven for Wash…and seven for me."


End file.
